This is kind of an informal what-to-do if I die. So go back to this if anything happens to me.
1. Not telling you how I feel would be my only regret.
2. I would request that someone made sure “Seasons of Love” was performed live by as many people from Rent who could make it to the funeral.
3. I would also request that “What I Did For Love” the Glee version was played, cause I hate A Chorus Line but I love the song.
4. Wyatt gets all of my stuff. My money and my possessions. He’s the only person who’s never let me down.
5. Don’t bury me until I get my pin. Cause I paid TOO MUCH for that to NOT have it forever.
Now that the morbidness is over, I would just like to say that I had a fantastic holiday, and a nice two days off from work. I didn’t get very much this year because my real present is a college education. Woo. But I did get to see my adorable cousins and a lot of my friends the past couple days so that’s been really nice.
I cannot wait until Krizmas! Yeah New Year’s Eve is gonna be fun but Krizmas is the main event for my break. All my bestest friends in one place! Plus I have to work on NYE (shocker) until whenever they decide they don’t need me, so I might not even hit the town until 10 or 11. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet cause there are a couple different options floating around, so I’ll probably just play it by ear.
Todayyy I’m going to Baby Blue (Yummmm sushi!) with my momma bear for lunch. I should clarify that whenever I say momma or momma bear I’m talking about my mom in my sorority, and whenever I say mom I’m just talking about my real life mom. But I’m excited to see Katie because I haven’t since before break started and I’ve missed her lots!
It’s actually surprising to me how much I’ve missed everyone from my sorority. I thought that it’d just be a couple weeks home and I’d get to see all my high school and work friends, but I seriously didn’t understand how big a part they had in my life already, after just one semester. I think it’s because when my family is driving me crazy I know I can’t just walk over to the sorority house to get away from it. But I miss everyone and I’m so excited to get back and see them all!
I still haven’t thought of a sign off. So I’ll borrow someone else’s.
Who would have thought that that (^) actually means something good? I think I’m going to start saying it a lot and see if anyone understands. Of course, now everyone who reads this will. So plan ruined. Kind of. It’s also useful because I’m taking a Shakespeare class next semester. For those of you that didn’t know, I’m majoring in Medieval and Renaissance Studies. Yeah it’s really obscure, but I’m super interested and I’d rather do something I love than something that’s gonna bring in the bacon. I don’t even like bacon.
I’m back to being positive. Or, at least, hiding the negative deep deep away where very few will see it! Happy days are here again, the stars above are clear again.
Speaking of stars, I mean kind of but not really, did anyone see the lunar eclipse? I guess my parents got really worked up about deciding if they should wake me up for it or not. IMPORTANT: If I am ever actually asleep, DO NOT wake me up. I once told my best friend that I value sleep more than the three f’s; fucking (which you can substitute for food if you so choose), friends, and family. The good news is that they decided not to wake me up. Good move parents.
WAS THERE A NEW GLEE ON TONIGHT? I really hope not. I’m working my ASS off this break so I’ve been a little disconnected from the world outside of my family and the KG. I really hope I didn’t miss a new episode! All I did today was babysit my adorrabbleee cousins (a 5 year old an a 1 1/2 year old) and work for a couple hours afterward.
This is kind of a pointless post, but then again so are all of my posts. So whatair. I need to think of a good sign off for these things so they don’t end so awkwardly, but right now my brain is fried so I’m just going to stop typing instead.
I had the strangest dream last night. It was like a combination of Inception and Dante’s Inferno. Except I was trying to get through all the levels of hell to reach heaven..or something like that. It was really really weird, and I’m sure it was symbolic for something, but I forgot the details too quickly to figure it out.
Last night was my first night back at my place of employment before I went to school. I’m working over break (more like that’s all I’m doing) so I can replace at least part of the money I spent this semester. Apparently I buy a lot more than I thought I did. They do say that your first semester in college is the most expensive, especially when you’re in a sorority (which I pay for the majority of) and you factor in all the one-time fees. I didn’t expect to blow through $1,000 so easily though. So I’m working the next six days in a row and I’m aiming to make at least half of the money I spent back. If I can’t make that happen then I’m probably going to have to get a job during spring semester and I’m not sure how much time that would leave me for the rest of my life.
One of the best things about last night was knowing I was missed. I worked at KG for two years before I went off to the University, and the staff hasn’t changed much over that time. It was really nice to come back to friendly (well, mostly friendly) faces. And yes there are some people that I don’t get along with, but I can overlook them for three and a half weeks, right?
Someone that I won’t be able to overlook for that time is, unfortunately, my mother, who is as conniving and deceitful as ever, if not more so now. I know that she’s my mom and that I should love her, and I do, I just prefer to do so from afar. She made it her job to go through every single one of my bags and boxes the second I left the house for work, and said she was ‘cleaning’. Doesn’t she realize that after eighteen years I see through her like no one else? I actually think I’m very good at telling when people are lying to me, but that’s also made me a very suspicious person. So thanks mom, for making me think the worst of everyone.
I actually kind of hope that nobody reads this. Or at least looks into it too much. If you do, you probably think I’m an awful, dramatic person. Really though, this is just me venting my thoughts and emotions and stuff. I’m quite different in reality. At least I hope I am.
Does getting a lecture about nyquil abuse from my mom also count as edutainment? Because I found it pretty hilarious. She offered to go to the store and get me non-habit forming herbal remedies. So, long rant turned mini, the woman is wearing on my nerves already. Can I go back to school yet?
So I’m home. And it is NOT as fabulous as I would have hoped. I miss the days when my sister didn’t have friends, which I know sounds horrible, but she’s never home for me to hang out with her! And my brother, who is my favorite person in the whole world because he’s five and DEFINITELY fabulous, got over me being home after five minutes and now all he does is play wii. I should also note that my family took over my room the second I left and I now have zero privacy at all.
And I know, I know, I said I was going to try and be positive, but thanks so the SAD I previously mentioned I’m a not-so-proud owner of, I’ve always been more of a Scrooge than a Tiny Tim. Although why there are no prominent female Christmas characters, I have no idea, but for now I’m okay being Vixen at any and all themed Christmas parties.
And yayyyyy all my friends are home. But this also means that I’m probably going to feel left out a lot, which is one of my least favorite feelings. Yes, it happened at school too, but I know those people a lot less, so I don’t expect as much from them. Plus half of that is that I don’t live in my sorority’s house, which is where most of the action happens, so I don’t think much of it.
But if there’s one thing to look forward to, it’s my recently acquired ugly Christmas sweater and all the opportunities I’ll have to wear it! So far I have at least three special occasions lined up, and after that, I’ll probably just start wearing it around for kicks and giggles. So that’s obviously pretty fabu (which is the abbrev. for my new favorite word)
I am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. I love to love. I love to be loved. Hopeless. And I have gone back through my life and pinpointed the exact moment at which I turned into such a spineless puddle of goo. Yes, we all know who’s to blame here.
That’s right. No Disney princesses here. Sailor Moon is the reason for my downward spiral in which no one will ever live up to my expectations. Okay, that’s not exactly true. Tuxedo Mask was just so perfect! I was even Sailor Moon for Halloween, hoping he would show up.
I am seriously concerned about myself though. It’d be one thing if this was just a phase, but it’s been MY WHOLE LIFE. So, sorry Taylor Lautner look alike in my greek myth class, but you didn’t ask for my number after a whole semester, so you’re just not my type. Time to move on.
In other news, I took my finals today, and I’m feeling pretty good about those. I only had two actual tests, and they seemed pretty easy peasy to me, so helllloooo winter break! I got a trial subscription to netflix, which will be so wonderful for avoiding my family over this lovely month! Woohhh!
So I have my first week of finals this week, and then I’m going home for a month. I. Am. Terrified. I have this really bad feeling that my parents (my mom, especially) aren’t going to realize that I haven’t had anyone to tell me what to do in four months, and that I won’t adapt well to living by ‘their rules’ again.
On the bright side, I will be working A LOT, so at least I’ll be out of the house. And working means money, which is always a good addition to my life (the first time I typed that out I accidentally put ‘addiction’. Freudian slip?). Plus, I don’t have to wear shoes to shower anymore. Score.
Another great thing is that I’ll be seeing all my friends again! Which is always fun, as demonstrated by last Krizmas. The only downer about this is that Krizmas is Jan. 2, which means I have no clue what to actually do for New Year’s Eve…those are really the only friends I can imagine spending it with! I’m sure Tiffany and I will come up with something.
I’d like to make a shout-out to my new good friend, nyquil. I’m REALLY not about drugs and stuff but I have sleep apnea and wake up about every half hour during the night, so I decided to try nyquil. I knew that it wouldn’t keep me from waking up, but I had hopes that it would help me fall asleep more quickly after I woke up. And it did! Woo! I feel better rested than I have in a long time, and it’s fabulous!
If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m almost just as obsessed with Harry Potter as I am with RENT, and so here’s a picture to conclude on.
I should probably take a brief moment to explain why I’m seemingly RENT obsessed. For one, RENT has been one of my favorite musicals since eighth grade when the movie came out and I saw it against my mother’s will. From that point on, I made it my mission to see RENT on stage, which came to fruition my sophomore when I saw it with one of my best friends at the time, who we’ll call JK. And from THAT point on, I had a goal locked away deep in my brain to one day perform RENT on-stage. Never did I imagine that I would actually be given the opportunity to accomplish something I didn’t even want to speak out loud because it was so unlikely.
But it happened! Last year, my high school performed RENT: School Edition. Obviously it was a dream come true, but as everyone knows there’s never a happy ending without a few obstacles in the way. And of course those obstacles came in the form of Christian extremists who tried to rain on my parade. Little did they know that they never had the power to stop the beat (I am just full of witty musical references today). So the show went on. I played Joanne, and I was a fabulous lesbian lawyer (and proud of it!).
The show was fantastic, although I am biased in saying that. I was pretty happy with what we accomplished, blah blah blah. That’s not even close to why it means so much to me. I’ve mentioned that I have a tattoo, and it says “Remember the love.”, which is a line from Seasons of Love. Those words speak mountains more than I could ever say. The cast, especially the leads (most of us were seniors and had spent all four years, some of us longer, together) came together and bonded in a way that has forged lifelong friendships.
I know that some people stay friends with people from high school, but this is different. I don’t go a single day without thinking about, missing, and talking to these people. My eleven best friends. I know that fifty years from now I will be as connected to them as I am today. Life has a way of making you move on and away from the things in your past, and sometimes that’s good, because it allows you to grow, but I never want to be without my friends, because they make me feel whole when my world is all but falling apart.
So that’s why RENT means so much to me. I guess there was really no way of stopping it, when you’re surrounded by so much love. I strive to remember that every day.
I feel like I’m always getting second best. And by that, I mean that I never get what I’m aiming for. I’m always settling. It’s true that second place isn’t awful, but I feel like I’m never going to know the satisfaction of being or getting the best. There is a part of me that truly believes that when you ask God for something (patience, love, anything really) that He doesn’t outright give you those things, rather he presents you with an opportunity to achieve those things for yourself.
Whoever might read this should know that I’m not an openly religious person. I’m not really open about anything (except when it comes to human rights, I tend to be very outspoken about that). So it’s odd for me to say that I wholeheartedly believe something. But I do believe in God. And I also believe that there’s something you can take from every situation or interaction that you can use to better your life.
So that leads me to think that there is a reason things usually fall through a bit for me. And that I still haven’t learned that particular lesson. Maybe I’m meant to not get my hopes up as much about things, to not get carried away, but who can help that when they’re excited about something? This is something I’m gonna have to think about a little more before I come to a conclusion on this subject. For the time being, I’ll just have to be less of an optimist and more of a realist.
Getting to class and finding out that it’s cancelled is kinda lame. Getting to class and finding out that it’s cancelled for half of the class is pretty cool if you’re in that half. Not so cool if you have to stay for a ‘personal conference’ with your teacher.
On a brighter side, FORMAL IS TONIGHT. I am soooo excited to have pizza and prime and dance and sleep and stuff. More about that will come later.